Gratitude in the Midst of Grief

Warning: There is a very emotional dump that will follow these first few sentences. It is fresh. It is raw. And it is real. My heart just hurts. I can’t stop crying. I want to crawl under the covers with five $1 boxes of Milk Duds and cry myself to sleep. I just found out my former neighbor and friend lost her mom last night to COVID. This sweet woman wasn’t just her mom, but her best friend! I just can’t fathom what she’s going through right now Last weekend my mother-in-law lost her younger brother who left behind a precious wife and three young boys. A dear next-door neighbor I grew up with also passed away last weekend. This afternoon, the sadness has overwhelmed me. My heart hurts for all the families and friends who are stricken with grief and despair. There are so many hurting right now; So many who have lost loved ones, who are battling depression, whose jobs seem impossible, who simply don’t know how to deal with the current circumstances.

As I cooked dinner tonight and tried to sort out my feelings, I realized I was being somewhat hypocritical and not practicing what I teach. I thought about the Sunday School lesson I shared last night to my 8th and 9th grade students. The lesson was on worship. Knowing that these teens have been dealt a lot in this crazy year, I felt it was important to point out to them people in the Bible who praised God in the midst of despair.

We read about David (2 Samuel 12:9-21), a King who had an affair with Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba. He then arranged for Uriah to be placed on the front line of combat. Uriah was killed, Bathsheba had a baby boy, and because of David’s sin, his son died. As soon as David found out, he went to the house of the Lord and worshipped.

Then there’s the story of Job (Job 1:13-22). You might be familiar with this one. Job lost just about everything that was important to him: his livestock, his slaves, his children. After the messengers told him of all these tragedies, Job immediately tore his robe and then fell to the ground to worship.

Mary (Luke 1:26-38 and 46-55) also had an unimaginable experience. After an angel came to her to tell her she would deliver The Savior of the World, even though she was an unmarried virgin, Mary responded with a song of praise.

The final pair we looked at for an example of praising God in the midst of unimaginable circumstances was Paul and Silas (Acts 16:16-25). The two were on their way to the place of prayer when they encountered a demon-possessed woman. Paul commanded the spirit to come out of the woman and it did. But the authorities were not pleased. They beat Paul and Silas and threw them in prison. After this incredibly difficult day, Paul and Silas were found, at midnight, praying and singing hymns to God.

I can’t imagine being in any of these situations. They truly are challenging for the mind to fathom. But I believe them to be true and am encouraged by the faithfulness and gratitude shown in each account. It took me a while tonight to remember the lesson, but it’s perfectly relevant to my current state.

My pastor has been preaching on an attitude of gratitude the past two weeks. He has reminded us that we are not the first to experience a major pandemic. We know we’re not the first, but when he drove the point home that the pilgrims lost over 50% of their people (arriving in the new world with only four women) and the Native Americans lost around 95% of their people, it brought a whole new perspective to the condition of their hearts. In spite of their dire circumstances, they chose to praise God and give thanks for their blessings.

Over the past week, I’ve been working on memorizing a passage that brings me so much comfort. It’s found in Psalm 139:1-4 and 8-10:

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.”

Those Milk Duds and the bath I plan to soak in later tonight will offer me some temporary relief. But those words in that scripture offer eternal confidence, hope, and security. He knows me. He knows my heart. He loves me and wants to comfort me. For that, and so many other blessings, I am grateful. I am still sad. I will still ravage through our house for chocolate. And I will still soak in the bath. My heart will still hurt for my friends and my family who are hurting. I feel certain my cheeks have not seen the last tears of the evening. But I will choose to praise God. I will name my blessings. I will choose to focus on the good in my life and pray for comfort and peace for those who are hurting.

How are you? Don’t say fine if you’re not fine. I’ve been told that’s the female way and it’s irritating. How are you really? He knows you. There’s no hiding from Him. It’s ok to tell Him you’re sad, or angry, or discouraged, or frustrated, or anxious, or depressed. He knows. Can you find your way to a place of praise? What do you have in your life that you’re grateful for? Thank you for letting me be real with you. I apologize for the raw emotion. God’s been bringing scripture and songs to my mind over the past week and now I know why. This is not quite what I was going to write about this week in my blog. But it’s my current reality and I hope it might encourage someone else who is struggling.

*For those of you who enjoy music, this song is very relevant to the times.